TRAPPED IN TIME

I feel just trapped. That’s the fucking truth. How can I decide what’s ‘right’ if I know that I would probably hurt somebody? And there’s no possibility. Can I just still pretend that everything will be ‘okay’ while I know that I’m lying? To them & to myself? NO! this is just not right! This is not fair! Dammit! I don’t understand myself. When did I get here? How could I cheat myself so much? Sooner or later this shit is going to kill Me. I know it. Because I know Myself.. or at the least I think I did. I guess this fear is just controlling Me. I can not think clearly. Gosh! I was supposed to take a decision! But I can’t. I just have too strong feelings. I am just too confused. I am just too afraid. I am just too good lying. I am just too god at cheating. Or maybe I’m just too stupid, too coward and selfish. I don’t wanna wonder the day I’ll wake up and they’ll have already found out the truth. How will I explain that I just wanted to do the ‘right thing’? I hate myself for being in such indecision. I hate myself for lying. I hate myself for being selfish. I hate myself and I wanna disappear. I wish I could have NO HEART. This fucking trigger, MYFUCKINGTRIGGER.